As geeks1, we NEED the latest SpankySoft hardware. We CRAVE it. We’d sacrifice our first-born (or favourite pet) for it, and unsurprisingly, this is where the wife2 acceptance factor starts to emerge. As a rule, partners like to be involved in purchasing decisions, and they don’t often share the irrational ‘MUST HAVE’ gene that seems endemic to the geek population. Also, they tend to like the kids/pets/neighbours/rest of mankind.
So when the SpankyPhone 5 comes out, hailed by the company’s CEO as the greatest thing since frontal lobotomies, these lucky geeks who have access to sex suddenly find that they have to deal with a new factor beyond “I have money and I want it” – one that might actually prefer the lobotomy option. Congratulations. You’ve just run into the Wife Acceptance Factor.
The Wife Acceptance Factor, according to legend, emerged back in the dawn of time3 when Ug The Rather Flatulent had discovered Rock. This was THE essential first step in technological development, leading to weapons, train seats, and rednecks4. Ug’s discovery made front-cave wall news. EVERYONE had to have rock. It was versatile and readily available, revolutionising everyone’s life. Soon, they were using it to make spears, three seater lounges, toilet seats, home stereos, and even candy.
Then Ug came out with Rock 2.0. It was like Rock 1.0, only this one was available in a range of colours, different shapes, was shinier, and could – as a bonus – be used to create sparks by banging them together. Ug hailed it as the greatest invention since Rock 1.0, sliced bread and lobotomies not having been invented.
Soon all the cavemen5 had to have it. Sadly, it was around this time that cave women6 invented the word “No”. The cave women were against replacing Rock 1.0 with Rock 2.0, reasoning that they’d only just got 1.0. What was wrong with the old Rock?
So cavemen had to invent the plausible excuse7, justifying that the new Rock had so many advantages over the old Rock – like better colours, and of course the sparks. Some – but not all – cave women were won over, and Rock 2.0 was soon flying off the cave shelves8.
Naturally, those cavemen who’d bought Rock 2.0 promptly discovered fire and burned themselves and their entire tribes into extinction9. And the remaining cave women invented “I told you so”10.
And so the Wife Acceptance Factor was fully established to intentionally limit the rate of technological progress, in order to keep the rate of technology adoption in line with natural selection.
We should thank our wives/husbands/significant others for the wife acceptance factor. It’s the only thing that’s kept us from dooming the human race within a few short generations.
There. Now you know. And hopefully my wife will now let me buy that SpankyBox game console I wanted …
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Footnotes (click link to return)
1 Or if you prefer, technology professional / enthusiast .. there’s still a stigma associated with geek, which at least is better than a stigmata. Nobody likes it when you suddenly bleed from your eyes. Trust me on this.
2 Or husband. Or significant other. Whatever, really. People who can withhold sex.
3 Not a literal dawn. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a time in which time didn’t exist. That would have been boring. “Hey Ug, how are you today?” “Not too bad Thog - but what do you mean, today?”
4 Rednecks actually still don’t know of the existence of rock. That’s why their necks are red, of course.
5 Or women. Or significant others. Work with me here. This could get really tedious otherwise.
6 Actually this one probably was an invention exclusive to women. Let’s face it. Testosterone doesn’t exactly encourage rational thought. But some of the smarter “significant others” probably also liked the idea, okay?
7 Also known as “the road to hell”, which is paved with good intentions, rubber pants, politicians, or car salesmen, depending on who you listen to.
8 Not literally flying. Rock is not known for its ability to achieve flight unassisted.
9 Oh come on. You had to see that coming.
10 And that.
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